*Ouch* *Wince*
I know it's August. I know that means summer is winding down. But it still hurt so bad to hear it said. I'm not ready for summer to be over. I didn't get to enjoy it like I wanted to, mostly because I have continued to live apart from Scott, Rudy, Jada, Isaac, and Simon.
Given the impending end of summer, I have spent some time this weekend thinking about seasons. As many of you know, I take a picture every day as a means to document and journal my life in photos. As part of this initiative, I try to ensure I get a picture of something in nature to visually represent each season. My goal is to take the pictures from the same vantage point to demonstrate/emphasize the differences between the seasons.
For example, the picture below is out the window of my first apartment here in Madison, taken this past winter. It seems so long ago- even though it was just a few months back. The sadness, pain, fear, regret and loneliness I felt at that time come flooding back to me when I see this. When I look at this picture, I not only cognitively remember how I felt, I can actually feel the emotions I felt back then. I was so sad. So, so very sad. Pictures are powerful.
The next picture is from the same vantage point as the one above, out the window of my former apartment. This one was taken in July, right before I moved out of that apartment. To say the differences in the seasons are vivid in this photo compared to the previous one would be an understatement. I read somewhere that Madison is one of the top cities in the country for weather variety. No kidding.
When I look at this photo, it doesn't conjure up the same feelings as the winter version does. It makes me realize my emotions aren't nearly as raw as they were a few months ago. The sadness, pain, fear, regret, and loneliness are still there sometimes. But, not as often. And not as intensely. I feel more accepting. Less scared. Some regret. Some optimism too.
Emotional progress? Perhaps. I'm not really sure it's progress though. I often cite the following Buddhist teaching: all things are transient in nature. That includes emotions. One of many lessons I've learned (or been reminded of) since coming to Madison is that how I feel in any given moment is no predictor of how I'm going to feel the next moment. That cuts both ways. When I feel bad, I hang on because I know it will pass. When I feel good, that passes too. Such is life. For me, though, everything emotionally has been amplified since I made the decision to come here. The highs are high. The lows have been down to depths I've never before known. If a good existentialist was to post a comment about this (any good existentialists out there?), I'm guessing he or she would write something to the effect that it's necessary to experience the lows in order to also experience the highs. Maybe that's one good thing about the depths of the lows I have had over the past 8 months. Maybe at some point, having had those down deep, dark lows, I'll have an equivalent intensity in a high of some kind. When I feel optimistic, I consider that a possibility. When I'm not optimistic........
Do you know the song "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac? God, that's a great song. My favorite part is:
"Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? (mm, mm) I don't know."
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