Story of my life in the early part of 2010, March was a stressful month. I was still living in Madison, very much undecided about the future. Scott and the pets were still living 500 miles away in Columbus. I hated my job. And myself. The real estate deal I mentioned in the 'Part 2' post loomed over my head throughout the month, unresolved, causing even more stress. We didn't have our house in Columbus on the market. I stopped looking at houses in Madison. I continued to grapple:
should I stay in Madison?
should I just resign from my job, go back home, and figure it out from there?
wouldn't it be foolish to leave (a good paying) job given the poor state of the economy and job market?
if I stay, where are we going to live?
how can we afford to buy a house in Madison where the property values and taxes are high?
would we even be able to sell our house in Columbus since the real estate market sucks?
if I go back home, would I be able to find a job in such a depressed economy?
how long could we live off savings if I wasn't working?
will Scott get called out to work?
what about health insurance?
wouldn't it be hard to leave my job considering I've worked for the company for a long time?
wouldn't I regret leaving this company that has been good to me?
wouldn't I miss it? i feel like I don't know how to do anything else anymore.
if I go back home, would it "force" me to try something new that I might love?
or would it "force" me to do something new that I might hate?
why did people that I thought were friends encourage me to try this?
why didn't anyone help me explore my own heart?
why wasn't I courageous enough to listen to my heart, no matter what anyone else said?
am I just homesick?
or chicken shit?
why can't I win the lottery?
This battle went on in my mind non-stop, all day, every day. I cycled through the mental debate over and over and over and over again. It was exhausting.
But? But???? That's right....... it's the theme of these 'year in review' posts: I kept plugging away.
I wasn't graceful. I wasn't heroic. I wasn't an example to be followed. I wasn't cool. I didn't roll with it. Nope. I kicked and hissed and spit and cried and spewed venom (mostly on Scott-- God love that patient, loving, forgiving man).
I kept plugging away.
Later, I would give myself just a little bit of credit for the courageousness in that. The courageousness of surviving in the midst of suffocating darkness, just by breathing in and breathing out and taking one minute at a time. Eventually, I would (mostly) forgive myself for every emotion that was felt and reared its ugly head in the midst of the darkness.
Similar to January and February, March brought a number of good things that accompanied (balanced?) the struggles. I was still stressed. And depressed. And highly anxious. And undecided about what to do. But March brought good things too.
First up was a trip to a scrapbook retreat the early part of the month. I drove about 8 hours to north/northwestern Ohio for it. I was anxious about the trip because in Wisconsin, when it comes to travel in the winter months, it's always the "what if it snows?" question. But, it didn't snow. The day I drove to the retreat was clear and sunny. Perfect, cooperative weather.
I can't say I was very well prepared for a 4-day weekend of scrapbooking in terms of projects to work on, but I can say I was damn excited to go. I had been to this place before. It's a slice of heaven on earth. It's called A Crop for All Seasons. (click on this LINK to see more) I could go on for days about it, but I'll just make a couple comments: the home is awesome; the food is out of this world; every detail is attended to; it's the epitome of pampering; it is the most comfortable, relaxing get-away I have ever taken, and it's right in Ohio. Who would have guessed?
The 8 hour drive to get there went smoothly by all accounts. Scott helped me, via cell phone, navigate through Chicago. I paid $16.00+ in tolls. But it was all good. I arrived safe and sound and was thrilled to be there. First up upon arrival? Start unpacking scrapbooking stuff and crack open a brewski. Corona Light, to be exact. Ahhhhhhhh.......... Let the unwind begin.
I should actually do an entire post about A Crop for All Seasons (ACFAS), but I won't right now. These "year in review" posts are long enough. The first time I went to ACFAS, I took a bunch of pictures. This time, not so much. I did, however, take a picture of the last meal before we had to check out on Sunday. Every meal throughout the weekend is homemade by the ladies who own the place. They are awesome cooks and the food is beyond words. Not only is the food great, the presentation is such that Martha Stewart could be schooled. Each meal throughout the weekend has a different place setting: different place mat, different plates, different glasses, different napkin all folded up cute. It's really quite amazing. The owners of the place prepare the food, put it on plates on the set table, call you to eat. You eat, then get up and they clean up behind you. It's so great. It occurred to me... that's the same arrangement Scott has here at home every day.......
ACFAS is only about 1 1/2 hours from Columbus. Being that close, it would have been foolish for me not to go home for a few days to visit. I drove home on Sunday after the retreat ended. I loved every minute of the retreat, but I was also so excited to get home and see Scott and the pets. That Sunday evening, I hooked up with some of my girlfriends at El Vaquero on 33. I have been to that El Vaquero many times, but this time I had to take a picture of this sign that's painted on the wall inside the restaurant. I see that cigarettes smoking isnot (one word according to the sign) permitted. What about just one cigarette? Is that OK?
Here are the girls. Faithful, supportive friends. It was great to see them. Fortifying. Nourishment for the soul.
I also saw my friend Pamela while I was in town. Pamela and I have been friends since we were in the 3rd grade. Pamela and her sister and her parents are like family to me. I know that if I was ever really down and out and just showed up on their doorstep, they would take me in without question. It's a pretty great and comforting feeling knowing there are people out there like that. They are the salt of the earth.
I stayed in Columbus for a couple days and then had to drag myself back to Madison. Of course, I didn't want to leave home. But I did. I got in the car and made the 8 hour drive back to Madison by myself.
One of the ways I entertained my lonely, depressed, anxious self after returning to America's Dairyland was by making St. Patrick's Day cards. I made multiple copies of 2 different designs. They turned out pretty cute, if I don't say so myself.
Besides the retreat at ACFAS and the trip home to Columbus, one of the best things about March was seeing the first signs of spring. What a relief! When I first got to Madison in the dead of winter, this is what I saw out the bedroom window of my apartment. Lots and lots of snow.
In March, all that snow melted away and then this is what I saw out the window.
Grass. And people outside! Oh, and this little fella tooling around in his SUV.
Spring. The season of hope and renewal.
I saw the signs of hope and renewal when I looked outside. I also, just barely, started feeling the stirrings of hope and renewal inside, too.
One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out. On to April........
One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out. On to April........
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