2010- The Year in Review- Part 1

I have decided to do a 12 part series of 2010- the year in review.  One post for each month of the year.  I blog as a form of journaling.  Journaling is therapeutic and if there was ever a year for which I needed some therapy, 2010 was it.  So, here goes....

January 2010

What I will always remember about January 2010 is the profound sense of sadness, stress and depression I felt-- all related to my decision to move to Madison, Wisconsin.  I was overwhelmed with suffocating feelings of self-loathing.  Why?  Why did I do this?  Why didn't I appreciate more the easy, peaceful life I had in Columbus?

On January 1, 2010, I woke up in the apartment below. Not at home, in the big bed, with Scott and the pets.  Rather, on a small mattress, on the floor, with boxes stacked up around me, no pets.  Scott was with me, but I knew within a few days he would leave to go back home and leave me all by myself in this depressing apartment.  I cried.  I begged.  I pleaded.  Please.  Please.  Please take me back home.  I don't want to be here.

But, here I was.  

I've never cried so much. 

As if the apartment wasn't depressing enough in and of itself (and, in fairness, let me say it was actually a decent little apartment- it just wasn't home), there was a mix-up with the dates/times for cable installation.  With the New Year's holiday attached to a weekend, it was 5 days before we got cable installed.  No cable means no TV and no Internet.  I felt totally cut off from the world and was sinking lower and lower and lower into a depth of darkness and depression that was frightening.

I started my new job on January 7.  I didn't want to go.  I seriously thought about putting all my stuff back in a U-Haul and just going back home.  I could start over in my career, right?  Scott convinced me that quitting my job, especially with no notice, would not be the right thing to do.  I was given an opportunity within a company that has been very good to me.  I knew Scott was right.  So I reported to work on the 7th.  It was all I could do to make myself go on that day, and the next day, and pretty much every day for several months.  My first day in the office it snowed.  The picture below is of my car covered with ice and snow.  Welcome.  Welcome to Wisconsin.

   

Scott stayed with me until January 9.  The picture below is him in the apartment with his bag packed on the day he left.  I felt total and utter despair when I snapped this shot of him, knowing he was leaving and I would be all alone in a strange apartment, in a strange town, with my friends, family, and pets 500 miles away.

On the way to the airport, we stopped to eat.  Actually, Scott ate.  I was so sad that I was physically sick to my stomach and couldn't bear the thought of eating.  While Scott ate, I journaled on a napkin in the restaurant.  I wonder where that napkin is.  I'd be curious to read what I wrote.

What was ironic about our stopping at Red Robin on the day Scott left was that I had eaten at that same Red Robin on a Sunday 4 years prior, right after I met Scott.  I had come to Madison on business and stayed at a hotel right across the street from the restaurant, so I ended up eating there.  I remember back then, back in 2006, feeling incredible.  I had just met Scott and was so excited about our relationship.  I was in good shape and my self-esteem was healthy.  I had plans to stay in Madison the following weekend when I was done with my work stuff to meet up with friends, which I did.  We all stayed in the Governor's Club in the Concourse hotel downtown.  It was lavish and it ended up being one of the best weekends of my life.  

Fast forward to January 2010.  I'm sitting in the same Red Robin.  Scott and I are now married.  I've put on 60 pounds.  My self-esteem is shot.  And Scott is is getting ready to get on a plane to return to the place I consider home and leave me in Wisconsin.  It was all I could do not to collapse in a weeping heap.  

I will never forget how I felt when I dropped Scott off at the airport that day.  I knew he was worried about leaving me, so I did my best to be strong.  I did pretty good.  A few tears when we said good-bye, but I held it together.  Until I got to the car.  Then I cried so hard.  It was dark.  Cold.  And I was alone.  Watching Scott walk away from me in the airport, I felt like I died inside.  I'm actually tearing up as I write this because I remember how sad and scared and desperate I felt.  

Fortunately, there were a few things in the month of January that helped me get through.  Flowers from my Mom sent to my job the day after Scott left. 

A welcome basket sent to me by the people in the office here.  The basket was shaped like the state of Wisconsin and all the products in it were made in Wisconsin.

Happy Hour at a place called The Continental with some fun people from work.

A pedicure at an Aveda spa, complete with a seaweed treatment.

Flowers from Scott.

I dug out my scrapbook supplies and made Valentine's Day cards to send to my friends.

A friend from work introduced me to what is now one of my favorite shops in Madison, Savior Faire- downtown on the square (pictured below).  That same night she introduced me to two other places I really like downtown:  Madison's and the Opus Lounge (featured in previous posts).

So, I survived January 2010, but that was all I did-- survive.  I was miserable beyond words.  I missed Scott so much it physically hurt.  I stopped at BW3 one day after work.  I was by myself, of course.  I took a picture of the empty chair next to me; the chair where Scott should have been.  I missed him so much and I was so lonely.

But, I made it.  One day, one hour, one minute at a time.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  I made it through the month.  On to February....