Of snow.
That's how much we're supposed to get here in the Madison area between today and Wednesday.
Plus blizzard conditions tomorrow.
Such is winter in Wisconsin, I suppose.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
2010- Year in Review- Part 4
April 2010
At the rate I'm going, it will be the end of 2011 before I'm done with the 2010 year in review posts. I need to pick up the pace.
For the most part, things were stagnant in April. House in Columbus was still not on the market. We still were not looking for a house in Wisconsin. Actually, we weren't yet released from the contract on the house we had put an offer on back in February (mentioned in previous post), so that situation was really dragging out. Still not liking my job much.
I was starting to feel increased pressure to make a decision-- stay or go back home-- because by this time I was more than half way through the sub-lease on my apartment. I had until May 31, which didn't give me much time. I felt incapable of making a decision. I continued as I had for the past 3 months. Literally taking things one day at a time. When the worry, stress, and pressure started to consume me, I would tell myself, "Julie, you don't have to make a decision today." That provided a minuscule amount of temporary relief, but I knew the day was quickly approaching when I would, indeed, have to make a decision.
For April, however, status quo.
I took an impromptu trip home for Easter. I hadn't planned to, but as the holiday approached I couldn't bare the thought of sitting in my apartment by myself on Easter Sunday. I wanted to be with my family, so I got in the car and made the 8 hour drive back to Columbus.
It felt good to be home. We had our traditional Easter dinner at my parents. No shortage of good food there. Scott and my parents are pictured below at the dinner table.
Later that day, my friend Renee and her daughter Kayla came over.
After a few of these....
...(Gin Madras), we took to playing in the park next to our house with Kayla. Kayla had us doing an obstacle course on the jungle gym and at one point Renee and I ended up running as fast as we could across the park and back. We had a good time and laughed and laughed. It was fun at the time, but you know you are old and fat when the day after you play in the park you feel like you've been hit by a truck because you are so stiff and sore.
Scott rode back to Madison with me, which was wonderful. He stayed a few days and then flew home. I was getting really tired of saying good-bye to my husband at the airport. Living apart was starting to take a toll on us. It was so, so, so hard. Looking back now, I can say this: never again. Never again will we make a decision that involves us living apart for any length of time.
In the month of April, it really started to feel like spring had sprung. Temps warmed up and everything got lush and green. The view from the bedroom window of my apartment went from this in January:
To this in April:
At the rate I'm going, it will be the end of 2011 before I'm done with the 2010 year in review posts. I need to pick up the pace.
For the most part, things were stagnant in April. House in Columbus was still not on the market. We still were not looking for a house in Wisconsin. Actually, we weren't yet released from the contract on the house we had put an offer on back in February (mentioned in previous post), so that situation was really dragging out. Still not liking my job much.
I was starting to feel increased pressure to make a decision-- stay or go back home-- because by this time I was more than half way through the sub-lease on my apartment. I had until May 31, which didn't give me much time. I felt incapable of making a decision. I continued as I had for the past 3 months. Literally taking things one day at a time. When the worry, stress, and pressure started to consume me, I would tell myself, "Julie, you don't have to make a decision today." That provided a minuscule amount of temporary relief, but I knew the day was quickly approaching when I would, indeed, have to make a decision.
For April, however, status quo.
I took an impromptu trip home for Easter. I hadn't planned to, but as the holiday approached I couldn't bare the thought of sitting in my apartment by myself on Easter Sunday. I wanted to be with my family, so I got in the car and made the 8 hour drive back to Columbus.
It felt good to be home. We had our traditional Easter dinner at my parents. No shortage of good food there. Scott and my parents are pictured below at the dinner table.
Later that day, my friend Renee and her daughter Kayla came over.
After a few of these....
...(Gin Madras), we took to playing in the park next to our house with Kayla. Kayla had us doing an obstacle course on the jungle gym and at one point Renee and I ended up running as fast as we could across the park and back. We had a good time and laughed and laughed. It was fun at the time, but you know you are old and fat when the day after you play in the park you feel like you've been hit by a truck because you are so stiff and sore.
Scott rode back to Madison with me, which was wonderful. He stayed a few days and then flew home. I was getting really tired of saying good-bye to my husband at the airport. Living apart was starting to take a toll on us. It was so, so, so hard. Looking back now, I can say this: never again. Never again will we make a decision that involves us living apart for any length of time.
In the month of April, it really started to feel like spring had sprung. Temps warmed up and everything got lush and green. The view from the bedroom window of my apartment went from this in January:
To this in April:
I love spring. Even though I was still struggling and still very much unsure about what to do, I started to feel a little better simply because it was spring-- the season of hope and renewal. I needed both. I felt the stirrings inside, but no movement yet. I was still plugging away; four months of it. Four long months of directionless plugging away. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out.
On to May, where something finally breaks me out of the rut......
Monday, January 17, 2011
Not a Great Day for a Road Trip
It's snowing in Wisconsin--- a lot. Or at least a lot by my standards. It's probably like chump change to people from the UP or Minnesota and the likes. But it's a lot to me. It started this morning at 6 AM and has been pretty much non-stop all day.
Unfortunately, I had an important meeting scheduled in Milwaukee today at 10:30 AM. So off to Milwaukee I went. Road trip. Like it or not.
For the record, I did not like it. It was nasty. Snowy, blowy, dreary. It was treacherous. I do not like driving in the snow. It makes me nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Thankfully, I made it there and back safely. I just drove slowly. I'm pretty sure I was passed by every other car on the freeway. I'm also pretty sure I later saw a number of those fast drivers off the road in the ditch.
It's still snowing as I type this. I took this picture just a few minutes ago looking up at the street light across from our house. All that hazy-looking stuff? Snow. It's that wet, heavy type of snow. It's still coming down hard.
Ummm...yes. That would be our mailbox. Nearly covered in the snow.
This is a shot looking down the street from the end of our driveway. Very wintry. At least it's kind of warm. Warm as in about 30 degrees. Snow is more pleasant when it's not bitterly cold. At least when it's semi-warm, you can be outside and enjoy it.
And a pic looking up at our house from the street.
There you have it. Maybe it wasn't a great day for a road trip, but it was a text-book winter day in the great state of Wisconsin. Snow, snow, and more snow.
Unfortunately, I had an important meeting scheduled in Milwaukee today at 10:30 AM. So off to Milwaukee I went. Road trip. Like it or not.
For the record, I did not like it. It was nasty. Snowy, blowy, dreary. It was treacherous. I do not like driving in the snow. It makes me nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Thankfully, I made it there and back safely. I just drove slowly. I'm pretty sure I was passed by every other car on the freeway. I'm also pretty sure I later saw a number of those fast drivers off the road in the ditch.
It's still snowing as I type this. I took this picture just a few minutes ago looking up at the street light across from our house. All that hazy-looking stuff? Snow. It's that wet, heavy type of snow. It's still coming down hard.
Ummm...yes. That would be our mailbox. Nearly covered in the snow.
This is a shot looking down the street from the end of our driveway. Very wintry. At least it's kind of warm. Warm as in about 30 degrees. Snow is more pleasant when it's not bitterly cold. At least when it's semi-warm, you can be outside and enjoy it.
And a pic looking up at our house from the street.
And, finally, that is my love muffin doing a little shoveling at the end of the driveway. We had literally just finished shoveling the driveway and, as you can see, it already had another coating of snow on it. And it ain't done snowing yet.
There you have it. Maybe it wasn't a great day for a road trip, but it was a text-book winter day in the great state of Wisconsin. Snow, snow, and more snow.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
2010- The Year in Review- Part 3
March 2010
Story of my life in the early part of 2010, March was a stressful month. I was still living in Madison, very much undecided about the future. Scott and the pets were still living 500 miles away in Columbus. I hated my job. And myself. The real estate deal I mentioned in the 'Part 2' post loomed over my head throughout the month, unresolved, causing even more stress. We didn't have our house in Columbus on the market. I stopped looking at houses in Madison. I continued to grapple:
should I stay in Madison?
should I just resign from my job, go back home, and figure it out from there?
wouldn't it be foolish to leave (a good paying) job given the poor state of the economy and job market?
if I stay, where are we going to live?
how can we afford to buy a house in Madison where the property values and taxes are high?
would we even be able to sell our house in Columbus since the real estate market sucks?
if I go back home, would I be able to find a job in such a depressed economy?
how long could we live off savings if I wasn't working?
will Scott get called out to work?
what about health insurance?
wouldn't it be hard to leave my job considering I've worked for the company for a long time?
wouldn't I regret leaving this company that has been good to me?
wouldn't I miss it? i feel like I don't know how to do anything else anymore.
if I go back home, would it "force" me to try something new that I might love?
or would it "force" me to do something new that I might hate?
why did people that I thought were friends encourage me to try this?
why didn't anyone help me explore my own heart?
why wasn't I courageous enough to listen to my heart, no matter what anyone else said?
am I just homesick?
or chicken shit?
why can't I win the lottery?
This battle went on in my mind non-stop, all day, every day. I cycled through the mental debate over and over and over and over again. It was exhausting.
But? But???? That's right....... it's the theme of these 'year in review' posts: I kept plugging away.
I wasn't graceful. I wasn't heroic. I wasn't an example to be followed. I wasn't cool. I didn't roll with it. Nope. I kicked and hissed and spit and cried and spewed venom (mostly on Scott-- God love that patient, loving, forgiving man).
I kept plugging away.
Later, I would give myself just a little bit of credit for the courageousness in that. The courageousness of surviving in the midst of suffocating darkness, just by breathing in and breathing out and taking one minute at a time. Eventually, I would (mostly) forgive myself for every emotion that was felt and reared its ugly head in the midst of the darkness.
Similar to January and February, March brought a number of good things that accompanied (balanced?) the struggles. I was still stressed. And depressed. And highly anxious. And undecided about what to do. But March brought good things too.
First up was a trip to a scrapbook retreat the early part of the month. I drove about 8 hours to north/northwestern Ohio for it. I was anxious about the trip because in Wisconsin, when it comes to travel in the winter months, it's always the "what if it snows?" question. But, it didn't snow. The day I drove to the retreat was clear and sunny. Perfect, cooperative weather.
I can't say I was very well prepared for a 4-day weekend of scrapbooking in terms of projects to work on, but I can say I was damn excited to go. I had been to this place before. It's a slice of heaven on earth. It's called A Crop for All Seasons. (click on this LINK to see more) I could go on for days about it, but I'll just make a couple comments: the home is awesome; the food is out of this world; every detail is attended to; it's the epitome of pampering; it is the most comfortable, relaxing get-away I have ever taken, and it's right in Ohio. Who would have guessed?
The 8 hour drive to get there went smoothly by all accounts. Scott helped me, via cell phone, navigate through Chicago. I paid $16.00+ in tolls. But it was all good. I arrived safe and sound and was thrilled to be there. First up upon arrival? Start unpacking scrapbooking stuff and crack open a brewski. Corona Light, to be exact. Ahhhhhhhh.......... Let the unwind begin.
I should actually do an entire post about A Crop for All Seasons (ACFAS), but I won't right now. These "year in review" posts are long enough. The first time I went to ACFAS, I took a bunch of pictures. This time, not so much. I did, however, take a picture of the last meal before we had to check out on Sunday. Every meal throughout the weekend is homemade by the ladies who own the place. They are awesome cooks and the food is beyond words. Not only is the food great, the presentation is such that Martha Stewart could be schooled. Each meal throughout the weekend has a different place setting: different place mat, different plates, different glasses, different napkin all folded up cute. It's really quite amazing. The owners of the place prepare the food, put it on plates on the set table, call you to eat. You eat, then get up and they clean up behind you. It's so great. It occurred to me... that's the same arrangement Scott has here at home every day.......
Story of my life in the early part of 2010, March was a stressful month. I was still living in Madison, very much undecided about the future. Scott and the pets were still living 500 miles away in Columbus. I hated my job. And myself. The real estate deal I mentioned in the 'Part 2' post loomed over my head throughout the month, unresolved, causing even more stress. We didn't have our house in Columbus on the market. I stopped looking at houses in Madison. I continued to grapple:
should I stay in Madison?
should I just resign from my job, go back home, and figure it out from there?
wouldn't it be foolish to leave (a good paying) job given the poor state of the economy and job market?
if I stay, where are we going to live?
how can we afford to buy a house in Madison where the property values and taxes are high?
would we even be able to sell our house in Columbus since the real estate market sucks?
if I go back home, would I be able to find a job in such a depressed economy?
how long could we live off savings if I wasn't working?
will Scott get called out to work?
what about health insurance?
wouldn't it be hard to leave my job considering I've worked for the company for a long time?
wouldn't I regret leaving this company that has been good to me?
wouldn't I miss it? i feel like I don't know how to do anything else anymore.
if I go back home, would it "force" me to try something new that I might love?
or would it "force" me to do something new that I might hate?
why did people that I thought were friends encourage me to try this?
why didn't anyone help me explore my own heart?
why wasn't I courageous enough to listen to my heart, no matter what anyone else said?
am I just homesick?
or chicken shit?
why can't I win the lottery?
This battle went on in my mind non-stop, all day, every day. I cycled through the mental debate over and over and over and over again. It was exhausting.
But? But???? That's right....... it's the theme of these 'year in review' posts: I kept plugging away.
I wasn't graceful. I wasn't heroic. I wasn't an example to be followed. I wasn't cool. I didn't roll with it. Nope. I kicked and hissed and spit and cried and spewed venom (mostly on Scott-- God love that patient, loving, forgiving man).
I kept plugging away.
Later, I would give myself just a little bit of credit for the courageousness in that. The courageousness of surviving in the midst of suffocating darkness, just by breathing in and breathing out and taking one minute at a time. Eventually, I would (mostly) forgive myself for every emotion that was felt and reared its ugly head in the midst of the darkness.
Similar to January and February, March brought a number of good things that accompanied (balanced?) the struggles. I was still stressed. And depressed. And highly anxious. And undecided about what to do. But March brought good things too.
First up was a trip to a scrapbook retreat the early part of the month. I drove about 8 hours to north/northwestern Ohio for it. I was anxious about the trip because in Wisconsin, when it comes to travel in the winter months, it's always the "what if it snows?" question. But, it didn't snow. The day I drove to the retreat was clear and sunny. Perfect, cooperative weather.
I can't say I was very well prepared for a 4-day weekend of scrapbooking in terms of projects to work on, but I can say I was damn excited to go. I had been to this place before. It's a slice of heaven on earth. It's called A Crop for All Seasons. (click on this LINK to see more) I could go on for days about it, but I'll just make a couple comments: the home is awesome; the food is out of this world; every detail is attended to; it's the epitome of pampering; it is the most comfortable, relaxing get-away I have ever taken, and it's right in Ohio. Who would have guessed?
The 8 hour drive to get there went smoothly by all accounts. Scott helped me, via cell phone, navigate through Chicago. I paid $16.00+ in tolls. But it was all good. I arrived safe and sound and was thrilled to be there. First up upon arrival? Start unpacking scrapbooking stuff and crack open a brewski. Corona Light, to be exact. Ahhhhhhhh.......... Let the unwind begin.
I should actually do an entire post about A Crop for All Seasons (ACFAS), but I won't right now. These "year in review" posts are long enough. The first time I went to ACFAS, I took a bunch of pictures. This time, not so much. I did, however, take a picture of the last meal before we had to check out on Sunday. Every meal throughout the weekend is homemade by the ladies who own the place. They are awesome cooks and the food is beyond words. Not only is the food great, the presentation is such that Martha Stewart could be schooled. Each meal throughout the weekend has a different place setting: different place mat, different plates, different glasses, different napkin all folded up cute. It's really quite amazing. The owners of the place prepare the food, put it on plates on the set table, call you to eat. You eat, then get up and they clean up behind you. It's so great. It occurred to me... that's the same arrangement Scott has here at home every day.......
ACFAS is only about 1 1/2 hours from Columbus. Being that close, it would have been foolish for me not to go home for a few days to visit. I drove home on Sunday after the retreat ended. I loved every minute of the retreat, but I was also so excited to get home and see Scott and the pets. That Sunday evening, I hooked up with some of my girlfriends at El Vaquero on 33. I have been to that El Vaquero many times, but this time I had to take a picture of this sign that's painted on the wall inside the restaurant. I see that cigarettes smoking isnot (one word according to the sign) permitted. What about just one cigarette? Is that OK?
Here are the girls. Faithful, supportive friends. It was great to see them. Fortifying. Nourishment for the soul.
I also saw my friend Pamela while I was in town. Pamela and I have been friends since we were in the 3rd grade. Pamela and her sister and her parents are like family to me. I know that if I was ever really down and out and just showed up on their doorstep, they would take me in without question. It's a pretty great and comforting feeling knowing there are people out there like that. They are the salt of the earth.
I stayed in Columbus for a couple days and then had to drag myself back to Madison. Of course, I didn't want to leave home. But I did. I got in the car and made the 8 hour drive back to Madison by myself.
One of the ways I entertained my lonely, depressed, anxious self after returning to America's Dairyland was by making St. Patrick's Day cards. I made multiple copies of 2 different designs. They turned out pretty cute, if I don't say so myself.
Besides the retreat at ACFAS and the trip home to Columbus, one of the best things about March was seeing the first signs of spring. What a relief! When I first got to Madison in the dead of winter, this is what I saw out the bedroom window of my apartment. Lots and lots of snow.
In March, all that snow melted away and then this is what I saw out the window.
Grass. And people outside! Oh, and this little fella tooling around in his SUV.
Spring. The season of hope and renewal.
I saw the signs of hope and renewal when I looked outside. I also, just barely, started feeling the stirrings of hope and renewal inside, too.
One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out. On to April........
One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out. On to April........
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Loverboy
No.... not Loverboy, the 80's band.
Loverboy as in my very cool, handsome, social, friendly, loving cat--- Simon. I adore him. I rescued him and his brother, Isaac, off the street 10 years ago. We've been through a lot together.
Simon is my big, chatty lover. He is totally a Mama's boy.
No matter what. Good day. Bad day. Stress. No stress. Sunshine. Rain. I can always count on Simon for mad love, lots of purring, and a sweet "meow" in response to anything I have to say. He is a kitty angel.
Loverboy as in my very cool, handsome, social, friendly, loving cat--- Simon. I adore him. I rescued him and his brother, Isaac, off the street 10 years ago. We've been through a lot together.
Simon is my big, chatty lover. He is totally a Mama's boy.
How cute is that picture? Cuter than the one below, that's for sure. I caught him right in the middle of a yawn. Looks vicious. Very misleading.
No matter what. Good day. Bad day. Stress. No stress. Sunshine. Rain. I can always count on Simon for mad love, lots of purring, and a sweet "meow" in response to anything I have to say. He is a kitty angel.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Trip to IKEA
This past Saturday, Scott and I went to IKEA in Chicago. It's only about an hour and a half from where we live, so not a bad drive. It was cold but bright and sunny; a nice winter day for a road trip.
I have decided that I like shopping at IKEA better in theory than in reality. For an ADD kid like me, it's just too much. Too big. Too much stuff. Way too many people.
I don't know how the IKEA in Chicago (Schaumburg actually) compares to other IKEA stores, but damn it's huge.
We got there right when it opened at 10 AM. At first, it wasn't too bad. But let me tell you, it filled up with people fast.
We saw this vehicle in the parking lot:
A U-Haul. Someone came prepared to buy.
Scott and I went with a purpose in mind: finding workspace furniture for my arts/crafts area in the basement. I got overwhelmed and was ready to get the hell out of there. Before we left, though, I picked out quite a few things. Here is Scott with our load in the warehouse.
In addition to the goods on the flat cart above, we also had a regular shopping cart full of stuff. I got a desk, table, storage cabinets, shelving, lights, storage containers. I was doubtful that we could fit it all in our vehicle, but we did. There wasn't an inch to spare.
I'm not sure when Scott will have time to assemble everything for me, but I'm pretty excited about getting my workspace together.
On the way back from Chicago, we stopped in Rockford, Illinois. There is a Lowe's in Rockford (we don't have one in Madison). I had gotten Scott a couple things from there for Christmas that he wanted to return. As we were leaving Lowe's, we saw this in the parking lot.
It was a car in the parking lot that had seat covers that looked like the members of Kiss. All 4 band members appeared: the picture above shows the 2 on the front seats. The back seats had covers, also, of the other 2 band members.
Now, I would never want these in my car but it did make me laugh. And compelled me to take a picture.
I have decided that I like shopping at IKEA better in theory than in reality. For an ADD kid like me, it's just too much. Too big. Too much stuff. Way too many people.
I don't know how the IKEA in Chicago (Schaumburg actually) compares to other IKEA stores, but damn it's huge.
We got there right when it opened at 10 AM. At first, it wasn't too bad. But let me tell you, it filled up with people fast.
We saw this vehicle in the parking lot:
A U-Haul. Someone came prepared to buy.
Scott and I went with a purpose in mind: finding workspace furniture for my arts/crafts area in the basement. I got overwhelmed and was ready to get the hell out of there. Before we left, though, I picked out quite a few things. Here is Scott with our load in the warehouse.
In addition to the goods on the flat cart above, we also had a regular shopping cart full of stuff. I got a desk, table, storage cabinets, shelving, lights, storage containers. I was doubtful that we could fit it all in our vehicle, but we did. There wasn't an inch to spare.
I'm not sure when Scott will have time to assemble everything for me, but I'm pretty excited about getting my workspace together.
On the way back from Chicago, we stopped in Rockford, Illinois. There is a Lowe's in Rockford (we don't have one in Madison). I had gotten Scott a couple things from there for Christmas that he wanted to return. As we were leaving Lowe's, we saw this in the parking lot.
It was a car in the parking lot that had seat covers that looked like the members of Kiss. All 4 band members appeared: the picture above shows the 2 on the front seats. The back seats had covers, also, of the other 2 band members.
Now, I would never want these in my car but it did make me laugh. And compelled me to take a picture.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Scott Returns to School
I'm digressing from my 2010 year in review posts for the time being. I was compelled to put up a post about how excited I am for and how proud I am of my husband.
Scott returns to school!
Tomorrow he begins taking classes at Madison Area Technical College with the goal of eventually transferring to University of Wisconsin.
Go Scott!!
2010- The Year in Review- Part 2
February 2010
As you can see from the previous post, January 2010 was a tough month. February wasn't much better. Fortunately, things improve as the year goes on. It just takes a while to get there.
Even though I was convinced that leaving my job in Ohio and moving to Wisconsin was the biggest mistake I had ever made, I kept plugging away. I drug myself to work. I did the basic things I needed to do on a daily basis to get by. I was sad. I was angry. I was resentful. I was depressed to the point that I started to really understand why people kill themselves. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't thinking about killing myself. I just gained an understanding as to why people do. Feeling despair and not seeing any way out of a situation is probably what drives people there. I had some dark days, unlike anything I had ever experienced before.
February did bring a trip back home to Columbus for a visit. One of the arrangements I made with the company I work for when we negotiated the deal for my position in Wisconsin was a few "sponsored" trips home during my first year. So, in early February, I got on a plane and headed to Columbus. My flight left super early in the morning. I remember feeling so anxious the night before. I was anxious about driving in the dark, essentially in the middle of the night, to an airport I wasn't really familiar with. Where would I park? What would the weather be like (translate: would it be snowing)? I didn't sleep well the night before the trip. Too nervous for good sleep.
At the time, Scott was spending his days in Logan, Ohio at the IUOE training site working to finish up his apprenticeship program. As a result, he wasn't available to pick me up at the airport. I took a cab to get our house. As we were heading from the airport to the west side, the snow started and that snow wouldn't stop until it buried Columbus. But, I made it to the house. This is one of the first things I saw upon walking in.
For me, going to a new church, especially alone, can be kind of intimidating. I did it though. When I first got there, I sat down and immediately in my head began criticizing everything about this church in comparison to First Community Church. As I was thinking every possible negative thought in my mind that I could come up with, it occurred to me that that is pretty bad behavior in church. I didn't say anything negative out loud, but I sure was thinking it. I think bad thoughts in church, about the church, constitute bad behavior. Anyhow, after I chilled out a bit, I realized that the people there were welcoming and friendly and the service was nice. I felt better when I left than I had when I arrived. Back then I was desperate for anything that would make me feel even a tiny bit better. What better place for that than church?
Another good thing in February was that later in the month Scott came to visit. The winter Olympics were in full swing. We watched a lot of the events and were highly amused by the sport of Curling. Neither of us had ever seen or heard of Curling prior to this. Did you see any of the Curling events on the Olympics? I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but it is so flippin' funny. It's kind of like shuffle board on ice. The people who send that....thing....whatever it is.....down the ice are soooooooo serious.
It was another hard month. But I made it. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out. I made it. On to March......
As you can see from the previous post, January 2010 was a tough month. February wasn't much better. Fortunately, things improve as the year goes on. It just takes a while to get there.
Even though I was convinced that leaving my job in Ohio and moving to Wisconsin was the biggest mistake I had ever made, I kept plugging away. I drug myself to work. I did the basic things I needed to do on a daily basis to get by. I was sad. I was angry. I was resentful. I was depressed to the point that I started to really understand why people kill themselves. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't thinking about killing myself. I just gained an understanding as to why people do. Feeling despair and not seeing any way out of a situation is probably what drives people there. I had some dark days, unlike anything I had ever experienced before.
February did bring a trip back home to Columbus for a visit. One of the arrangements I made with the company I work for when we negotiated the deal for my position in Wisconsin was a few "sponsored" trips home during my first year. So, in early February, I got on a plane and headed to Columbus. My flight left super early in the morning. I remember feeling so anxious the night before. I was anxious about driving in the dark, essentially in the middle of the night, to an airport I wasn't really familiar with. Where would I park? What would the weather be like (translate: would it be snowing)? I didn't sleep well the night before the trip. Too nervous for good sleep.
At the time, Scott was spending his days in Logan, Ohio at the IUOE training site working to finish up his apprenticeship program. As a result, he wasn't available to pick me up at the airport. I took a cab to get our house. As we were heading from the airport to the west side, the snow started and that snow wouldn't stop until it buried Columbus. But, I made it to the house. This is one of the first things I saw upon walking in.
Scott, who has a real artistic streak in him, wrote me a note on the dry erase board we kept on the side of the refrigerator. I hadn't seen our pets (Rudy, Jada, Isaac and Simon) since I left for Wisconsin on 12/31/11. It had been six weeks or so. When I walked in the door, all four of them gravitated to me. I was surrounded by pet love. Dogs were pushing cats out of the way to get to me. Cats were pushing dogs out of the way to get to me. I was like a rock star.
Since my flight from Madison had left very early that morning, Scott knew I would be tired by the time I made it home. He had the bed turned down, ready and waiting for me.
I dove in. It felt so good to be back in the comfortable surroundings of the place I called home. Pet love all around. Sleeping on clean flannel sheets in the big bed. The only thing missing was Scott, but I knew within a few hours we would be together. I took a big fat nap and slept like a rock.
As I slept, the snow kept falling. I had asked my parents if I could borrow one of their cars while I was home. Prior to his health scare in September, my Dad had been on quite a mean streak for at least a year and a half. He refused to let me borrow a car. He nastily told me, "I don't loan my cars to people." I pointed out that I'm not really "people", I'm his daughter and we're family; I'm not just some random person off the street asking to borrow a car. But, whatever. In hindsight I should have just rented a car. Fortunately for me, I have great friends and they helped me throughout the weekend with getting to where I needed to go when Scott was at the training site.
I had plans to visit my friend, Greg, my first day home. God love him. He ventured out of his house in the extreme snowfall just to pick me up and take me back to his house. How nice was that?
Greg is a great cook and the best mixologist I know. He lives in a big old house in Old Town East. He more or less has an entire room dedicated to his bar. I'm pretty sure he has every kind of liquor known to human kind and most of them are stacked 2, 3, 4 bottles deep on his shelves. He has a more impressive bar than most restaurants. The picture below gives you an idea, but one really has to see it in person to truly appreciate it. In addition to the liquor bottles on the shelves, he has a cooler for wine, a refrigerator for juices/mixers and beer and a freezer so he can keep martini glasses frosted.
See all the limes and lemons in the basket in the picture above? Those are for the fresh juice martini's he makes. Fresh juice martini's. Luxurious.
My very dear friend of 20+ years, Renee, ventured out into the mountains of snow that were falling to join us.
Being back in familiar surroundings and in the comforting presence of friends felt so good. It was also bittersweet because I knew in a few days I would be leaving again. I tried to enjoy myself while I was there, which I did, but dark clouds seemed to loom over me no matter where I was back in those days. I hated myself for what I had done, for not appreciating the life I had more, and for fooling myself into thinking moving to Wisconsin was a good idea. My mentality would change later (thankfully!), but that's where I was back in those days. Full of self-loathing. Not a good place to be.
Throughout the first couple days of my visit, the snow kept falling. It was a major snow storm and it affected a large portion of the midwest/eastern part of the country. This is a shot of the back yard of our house. You can see the trees are bending under the weight of the wet, heavy snow that had fallen.
One of the effects of the storm was major delays at airports. For me, that translated into a couple extra days tacked onto my visit. The day I was supposed to leave, Monday, I was able to get on my flight out of Columbus but wouldn't have been able to get on my connecting flight (don't remember the city now) back to Madison. So, I changed my flights, which meant I got to stay home for 2 extra days. That did not hurt my feelings.
Scott and I don't go to the movies very often, but during my extra time at home, we went to see Avatar in 3-D at Easton. It was pretty cool. Do I look hot in the 3-D glasses?
Eventually my time in Columbus came to an end and I had to return to Madison. I had to return to work. I had to return to an existence that I hated at the time. I didn't want to go back. Every fiber in me wanted to stay right at home. But, I did it. I went back and I keep plugging away. I may have hissed and spit about it, but I kept plugging away.
As if I didn't have enough on my mind, apparently I decided to further complicate my life in February by putting an offer in on a house in Madison. This is a shot of the inside of the house. It shows what one sees immediately upon entering the house through the front door.
It was a decent little house. a 4-level split. 4 bedrooms. 3 full baths. It was a nice enough house in a decent enough neighborhood on the west side of Madison. Immediately upon making the offer and it being accepted, I regretted it. I wasn't ready. It wasn't the right house. I wanted out. Typically, that may not be a particularly difficult thing to do when there are 2 realtors involved. In this case, however, the sellers didn't have a realtor. They had an attorney. He ended up being a horses ass of monumental proportions. I could go on and on about it, but suffice it to say I eventually got out of the deal. It took weeks and created a tremendous amount of additional stress and consternation for me. Like I needed any more of that. Oh, and it also took $2500.00 in fees to the attorney that I had to hired to combat the horses ass.
Good things, besides the bittersweet trip home, that happened in February? Well, one thing is that I moved from one office to another at work. The first space I was put in upon arrival to the company's office in Madison pretty much sucked. There is a story behind it that I won't go into here. The good news is, within a short period of time I got to move to a much better office space. That definitely helped my mentality at work. I still had a long ways to go, but the office move helped. Here is my office. It's the same office I have today. It's a decent little space and I would even venture to say that I like it.
Something else good in February was that I found a church and attended a service. I went to a church in Columbus that I absolutely loved: First Community Church in Grandview. Dr. Wing, the lead preacher/Reverend, is an amazingly gifted orator. When he preached, I felt inspired. And the choir at First Community Church was beyond words. They could blow the roof off the place. The music they made was so powerful, I was often moved to tears. After many of their performances, Dr. Wing would stand up and ask the congregation for an "Amen". That's right. Amen.
I looked on line to find a United Church of Christ in Madison. I found a couple and selected this one to attend a Sunday morning service.
For me, going to a new church, especially alone, can be kind of intimidating. I did it though. When I first got there, I sat down and immediately in my head began criticizing everything about this church in comparison to First Community Church. As I was thinking every possible negative thought in my mind that I could come up with, it occurred to me that that is pretty bad behavior in church. I didn't say anything negative out loud, but I sure was thinking it. I think bad thoughts in church, about the church, constitute bad behavior. Anyhow, after I chilled out a bit, I realized that the people there were welcoming and friendly and the service was nice. I felt better when I left than I had when I arrived. Back then I was desperate for anything that would make me feel even a tiny bit better. What better place for that than church?
Another good thing in February was that later in the month Scott came to visit. The winter Olympics were in full swing. We watched a lot of the events and were highly amused by the sport of Curling. Neither of us had ever seen or heard of Curling prior to this. Did you see any of the Curling events on the Olympics? I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but it is so flippin' funny. It's kind of like shuffle board on ice. The people who send that....thing....whatever it is.....down the ice are soooooooo serious.
And then those other people have the brooms and are sweeping madly trying to get that thingy to go wherever it's supposed to go. Clearly my use of the word "thingy" shows how little I know about the sport.
While Scott was visiting, we made a trip to Marinette. On the way back to Madison, we stopped in a town called Appleton for fuel. As Scott was pumping the fuel, I waited in the car and was randomly looking around. This caught my eye and I had to get a picture. Near the gas station, is this facility.
That would be the Appleton Curling Club. As immature as it may be, Scott and I found that so funny.
That's the gist of February. Some good things happened, but overall I continued to be sad and consumed by dark feelings dominated by regret and self-loathing. I spent a lot of time alone in my apartment curled up in bed with my old Pooh Bear and a picture of Emmy.
Monday, January 3, 2011
2010- The Year in Review- Part 1
I have decided to do a 12 part series of 2010- the year in review. One post for each month of the year. I blog as a form of journaling. Journaling is therapeutic and if there was ever a year for which I needed some therapy, 2010 was it. So, here goes....
January 2010
What I will always remember about January 2010 is the profound sense of sadness, stress and depression I felt-- all related to my decision to move to Madison, Wisconsin. I was overwhelmed with suffocating feelings of self-loathing. Why? Why did I do this? Why didn't I appreciate more the easy, peaceful life I had in Columbus?
On January 1, 2010, I woke up in the apartment below. Not at home, in the big bed, with Scott and the pets. Rather, on a small mattress, on the floor, with boxes stacked up around me, no pets. Scott was with me, but I knew within a few days he would leave to go back home and leave me all by myself in this depressing apartment. I cried. I begged. I pleaded. Please. Please. Please take me back home. I don't want to be here.
But, here I was.
I've never cried so much.
As if the apartment wasn't depressing enough in and of itself (and, in fairness, let me say it was actually a decent little apartment- it just wasn't home), there was a mix-up with the dates/times for cable installation. With the New Year's holiday attached to a weekend, it was 5 days before we got cable installed. No cable means no TV and no Internet. I felt totally cut off from the world and was sinking lower and lower and lower into a depth of darkness and depression that was frightening.
I started my new job on January 7. I didn't want to go. I seriously thought about putting all my stuff back in a U-Haul and just going back home. I could start over in my career, right? Scott convinced me that quitting my job, especially with no notice, would not be the right thing to do. I was given an opportunity within a company that has been very good to me. I knew Scott was right. So I reported to work on the 7th. It was all I could do to make myself go on that day, and the next day, and pretty much every day for several months. My first day in the office it snowed. The picture below is of my car covered with ice and snow. Welcome. Welcome to Wisconsin.
On the way to the airport, we stopped to eat. Actually, Scott ate. I was so sad that I was physically sick to my stomach and couldn't bear the thought of eating. While Scott ate, I journaled on a napkin in the restaurant. I wonder where that napkin is. I'd be curious to read what I wrote.
What was ironic about our stopping at Red Robin on the day Scott left was that I had eaten at that same Red Robin on a Sunday 4 years prior, right after I met Scott. I had come to Madison on business and stayed at a hotel right across the street from the restaurant, so I ended up eating there. I remember back then, back in 2006, feeling incredible. I had just met Scott and was so excited about our relationship. I was in good shape and my self-esteem was healthy. I had plans to stay in Madison the following weekend when I was done with my work stuff to meet up with friends, which I did. We all stayed in the Governor's Club in the Concourse hotel downtown. It was lavish and it ended up being one of the best weekends of my life.
Fast forward to January 2010. I'm sitting in the same Red Robin. Scott and I are now married. I've put on 60 pounds. My self-esteem is shot. And Scott is is getting ready to get on a plane to return to the place I consider home and leave me in Wisconsin. It was all I could do not to collapse in a weeping heap.
I will never forget how I felt when I dropped Scott off at the airport that day. I knew he was worried about leaving me, so I did my best to be strong. I did pretty good. A few tears when we said good-bye, but I held it together. Until I got to the car. Then I cried so hard. It was dark. Cold. And I was alone. Watching Scott walk away from me in the airport, I felt like I died inside. I'm actually tearing up as I write this because I remember how sad and scared and desperate I felt.
Fortunately, there were a few things in the month of January that helped me get through. Flowers from my Mom sent to my job the day after Scott left.
A welcome basket sent to me by the people in the office here. The basket was shaped like the state of Wisconsin and all the products in it were made in Wisconsin.
Happy Hour at a place called The Continental with some fun people from work.
A pedicure at an Aveda spa, complete with a seaweed treatment.
Flowers from Scott.
I dug out my scrapbook supplies and made Valentine's Day cards to send to my friends.
A friend from work introduced me to what is now one of my favorite shops in Madison, Savior Faire- downtown on the square (pictured below). That same night she introduced me to two other places I really like downtown: Madison's and the Opus Lounge (featured in previous posts).
So, I survived January 2010, but that was all I did-- survive. I was miserable beyond words. I missed Scott so much it physically hurt. I stopped at BW3 one day after work. I was by myself, of course. I took a picture of the empty chair next to me; the chair where Scott should have been. I missed him so much and I was so lonely.
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