The Dells

Ever heard of the Wisconsin Dells?  People who are familiar with it shorten the name and just call it The Dells. 

Ever heard of this place?

I hadn't, until I decided to move to Wisconsin.  Before I left Columbus, there were a few people who mentioned The Dells once they found out I was moving to America's Dairy Land.  After I got to Wisconsin, I heard a lot more about it from all kinds of folks.  It's a popular spot.  It's located about an hour north of Madison and, apparently, is known as the vacation destination of the Midwest.  From what I'm told, families from Europe even come to the United States to vacation in The Dells.  Hm.

I was also told it's a big party town.

While God and everyone know I like to party as much as the next person, I didn't have any personal plans to go to The Dells.  But, a work situation presented itself that necessitated me driving to The Dells.  So I did.  I drove to The Dells to meet 3 dudes for a work thing.  As I cruised down the main strip of The Dells to meet these guys, I was dumbfounded.  Literally dumbfounded; to the extent that my eyes widened and my jaw dropped.  The Dells is amazing.  I'm not sure if it's amazing-good or amazing-bizarre.  I'm leaning towards the latter.  After cruising down the main drag to the meeting place, the first thing I said to the 3 dudes I was meeting was, "Where in the hell am I??"  No hello.  No nice to see you.  No business pleasantries.

"Where in the hell am I??"  

That's what I said.  It just came out.

This ain't Kansas, Dorothy.  This don't appear to be Wisconsin either.

The HR manager at the company I work for described it perfectly.  He said it's like someone picked up the tackiest tourist town in Florida and plopped it in the middle of Wisconsin.  For example:

The strip through the downtown Dells is packed with people and cars in the summer time.  Bumper to bumper traffic.  One can barely get through. From what I'm told, it's like this all summer long.  People cruising the strip. 

There are a bunch of gift shops along the drag that resemble tacky Florida tourist towns, but the gift shops in The Dells have names like "Winnebago" and sell moccasins instead of flip-flops.  I'm dead serious.  They sell moccasins.  It is still Wisconsin after all.

No tacky Dells (or Florida) tourist town would be complete without cheap t-shirt shops.

Does this look like sh*t you would expect to see in Wisconsin??  Are you with me now when I say I was dumbfounded?  Where is the farm?  For the love of God, where is the FARM??  No T-Shirts-R Us.  I don't want to see that sh*t.  I want to see some cows for chrissake.  And some cheese.

When Scott came to see me recently, I told him we had to go to The Dells.  He just had to see it.  So, off we went to The Dells. 

This is one of the first buildings you see when entering the main part of the drag through downtown Dells.  I think the sky looks cool in this picture.  The sky in Wisconsin is different than what I was used to in Ohio.  Here in Wisconsin, the sky looks so much more expansive-- like it has more depth or something.

This is a sign for a watering hole in The Dells.  I'm not sure what to make of the name.  Scott and I ventured in out of curiosity sake but didn't stay long.  It was a biker bar kind of a place.  Exit stage left.

I took this shot as we walked out. 

I didn't have a swig at Nig's.  I did take a whiz at Nig's.  Sorry- TMI, I know.

As we left Have A Swig with Nig, we saw this car at the stop light. 

Question:  Does anything scream HILLBILLY louder than driving around in a car that looks like the General Lee? 

Answer:  No.

Question:  Am I a hillbilly for knowing the name of that car is the General Lee?

Answer:  Yes.

After leaving...ahem... Nig's, Scott and I went into this place.

Sharky's is like a combination of a sticky Florida spring break bar and the old bars that used to be along High Street at Ohio State before they cleaned it up and turned it into The Gateway.  Here is a drink sign in Sharky's.

Most bars have pitchers of beers.  Sharky's has pitchers of Coke and rum, vodka, brandy, or whiskey.  No shit.  Party on.  I guess the folks in the picture below did.  See the pitcher to the right of the guy with the sleeveless blue shirt on?  Are those guys even old enough to drink? 

How f*cked up does the guy in the front right of this picture look?  I'm guessing he has been drinking hard for a looooong time.

Here's a close up of the pitcher.

Apparently when you get a pitcher of Coke and rum, vodka, brandy or whiskey, you just put multiple straws in it and pass it around. I will sing for you now:  "Take one down and pass it around..."

Notice the stairs leading to the upper level at Sharky's where there is a balcony exposed to the lower level.  Late at night, when people in Sharky's are really f*cked up, how many drinks do you think get poured from the balcony onto the people below? 

We didn't stay long at Sharky's.  About one drink worth of time actually.  This is the next spot we ventured into.

When we entered Monk's this is what we saw; an older drinking crowd.  Still a drinking crowd, but generally older than the crowd at Sharky's.

Scott and I had a couple of beers at Monk's.  And cheese fries.

The cheese fries were so good.

I think the truest sign of a tourist vs. a "local" in a tourist town is a brand new pair of sneakers.  I'd bet every dime I have the guy wearing these new shoes is a tourist.  I think he even has on new socks.  He is all duded up for his time in The Dells. 

When you think of the backside of a Wisconsin farmer, does an image like this come to mind?  OH, what??  You mean to tell me you've never thought of the backside of a Wisconsin farmer?

Homeboy Wisconsin Farmer at Monk's apparently said to himself, "F*ck the farm.  F*ck the dairy cows.  The hell with milk.  Drink beer!"

Scott and I didn't stay too long in The Dells.  It's not really our scene.  As a matter of fact, when we parked and put money in the meter, we had a little over 3 hours of time to park.  When we left, this is how much time was still in the meter.  Telling.

Before I go and leave you with a totally horrible image of The Dells, let me make a few positive comments about it.

• If you have kids, it's probably a great place to go.  Not the drinking section of downtown where Scott and I were, but the sections of town that have water parks, theme parks, magic shows.
• There are also things for adults to enjoy.  There is a big outlet mall, a long running water show, boat tours, casinos, spas, golfing.
• While downtown Dells looks like a tacky Florida tourist town, there is a lot of newer development in other areas of The Dells which includes some really amazing resorts and water parks.  Check out:

The Kalahari

Chula Vista

Great Wolf

Ho-Chunk Casino 

I would recommend clicking on some of these links and checking out the resorts.  Especially The Kalahari and Chula Vista.  They are pretty impressive and give a much better impression of The Dells than my snap shots of Scott and I having a few beers (and cheese fries) in the old Dells downtown watering holes.  Do it- click on the links and explore the sites a bit.  The water parks and theme parks are amazing.  For kids, this has to be an absolute blast.

Does that make any of you who look at this blog and have kids want to come visit me so we can go to The Dells?

The Wisconsin Dells.  I've never seen anything quite like it.  Let me rephrase that.  I've never seen, nor expected to see, anything quite like it in Wisconsin.