These Are The Times

Anyone who knows me knows that my move to Madison has been difficult.  I have had dark moments of suffocating regret for deciding to come here and ultimately betraying my own values.  At the end of the day, personal relationships are far, far more important to me than any job, career opportunity, or number on a pay check.  Since moving here, I have missed being in the place I call home and close to my family and friends.

Over the past 9 months (hard to believe it's been that long; I didn't think I was going to make it through the first 9 days), things have gotten better.  While I still sometimes question my decision, I'm feeling more comfortable about being here.  Changes at my job have made my experience there much improved and I am grateful for the incredible learning opportunity that I have been given.  Now that Scott and the pets are up here and we are living together under one roof again, I have even started to feel.....normal.....again.

Yesterday, though, proved to be one of those days in which all the questions and regrets came flooding back.  After running to the grocery store and taking care of a few things after work, I finally got around to calling my parents about 8:30 PM my time/central time, which is 9:30 PM for them.  I almost hesitated to call them that late because they have both been ill and I thought they may have already turned in by that time.  But I called anyways and didn't get an answer.  Strange.  My parents are always home at 9:30 PM.  I waited a couple minutes thinking that maybe they were, indeed, in bed and had forgotten to take one of the cordless phones in the room with them.  Usually in a case like this my Mom will hear the phone and then get up, get a phone and call back.  I waited.  No call back.  I tried calling again.  Still no answer.

Now this is really strange.  I decided to call their cell phone.  My Mom answered, but there was a bad connection and I could barely hear her.  I knew this was a bad sign.  If my Mom is answering her cell phone but not the home phone at 9:30 at night, that means she isn't home and that is totally out of the ordinary.

She called me back just a few minutes later to tell me my Dad was being admitted to the hospital.  He was diagnosed last week with pneumonia, the second time he's had it this year.  He went back to the doctor yesterday for another chest x-ray and to have his leg looked at because it was swollen.  Turns out he has 3 blood clots in his leg.  One was above the knee, which I guess is particularly worrisome.  Honestly, I don't know much about blood clots but I know they can be dangerous.

My Mom and Dad went to the ER from the doctor's office at 3:00 in the afternoon.  At almost 10 PM, they were still in the ER waiting to get checked into a room.  They didn't end up getting in a room until sometime after midnight.  Isn't that ridiculous?  Additionally, while they were there, the hospital was put on lock down for some reason.  That's a little scary.

I felt so badly that I wasn't there.  Scott and I debated about driving back to Columbus last night, but opted against it.  My Mom said it would just be more upsetting to my Dad if we were on the road, especially in the middle of the night.  We're going to see what my Dad's status is this morning and then decide what to do.  I just hated that I wasn't there last night to support them both.  I also hate it that I no longer live close by so I could drop by to help them with little things they may need here and there.  My parents are fiercely independent, but I have really seen them start to age.  This is the time of year when my Dad starts to break down his gardens.  He also keeps a well-manicured lawn and mows some of the neighbors lawns as well.  Even when he is sick, he obsesses about getting these kinds of things done and he pushes himself to do too much.  If I was there, I could take care of some of that kind of stuff to relieve his mind and my Mom's mind too (so she won't have to listen to him obsess about it).  Granted, my brother lives close to my parents, but he is no help and cannot be counted on for anything.  He is worthless when it comes to family matters.

It's really strange to me that my Dad is having health problems.  This is a guy who has always been in outstanding physical shape.  He works out regularly and has always been a healthy person.  When he worked before he retired, he got 5 paid sick days a year from his employer.  He never used them.  At the end of every year, he got paid out for them.  He is just a person who never got sick.  The fact that he has had pneumonia twice this year and is being admitted to the hospital for blood clots is, in some ways, beyond my comprehension.

I'm also feeling guilty.  That's something I'm really good at.  I feel guilty because my Dad worked like a dog to help Scott with the final move up here from Columbus.  It was hot.  It was an incredible amount of work/physical labor.  We were all exhausted.  My Dad started feeling bad the day he and my Mom left Wisconsin.  He was sick for a week.  Then got diagnosed with pneumonia, and now admitted to the hospital.  I feel like helping with the move was just too much for him and wore him down.  That makes me feel terrible.

So, last night was a rough night.  These are the times that all the doubts and questions about coming to Madison start flooding back.

Any prayers and positive mental energy you can offer for my Dad's quick recovery would be appreciated.